Victim playing?

Surabaya (02.40)

When trouble occurs, have we ever felt as if the world is not fair with us? Or, when someone makes us discouraged, we feel deserving of an apology because we think that person has done something wrong? Be careful, that way of thought might indicate that we have a mentality of ‘victim playing’.

Someone who has a playing victim mentality does not solely makes other people always feel guilty but also gives terrible effects for themselves. Being a victim player means letting ourselves harbor grudges against others and sink into that feeling of vengeance without getting a solution.

Not everyone is conscious that they have a victim playing attitude when facing difficulty. Therefore, we should first break down the characteristics of someone who prefers to play a victim to apprehend whether we are one of them or not.

The most apparent characteristic of someone who likes to play a victim is often to judge every time involved in a problem with someone else. For him, there must be an evil party and the correct party for every issue. Who is evil is matter most for them. The guilty party must apologize to the right and promise not to make the same mistake. Whereas, in any problem, who is guilty becomes irrelevant when both parties can be open to different perspectives.

If the victim player faces a more complicated problem, they often blame the circumstances for what they face. By accusing the case, their feelings will indeed be better. But, the obsession with blaming the situation makes them unable to analyze the situation and then get a solution to what they encounter.

There are two categories of people who are committed to something or someone. First, people who tend to ‘worry about disappointing.’ Second, people who tend to be ‘afraid of being disappointed.’ When problems involving these commitments befall them, people in the first category will reflect on themselves and see if they are strong enough to undergo that commitment. Conversely, people who are ‘afraid of being disappointed’ will have high expectations for the commitments they live. So, when there is a problem involving that commitment, he will first ask how strong the responsibility of others is. He felt he had all out to live up to that commitment, so he expected others to do the same.

For victim players, everything must be fair. When we love and are willing to do many things for our lover or friend, they must do the opposite. When we present a gift on the birthday of a loved one, we must also get a present on our birthday. If we don’t receive reciprocity for what we do, then we will feel unfair and accuse others.

For victim players, there are many people whose lives are full of luck. On the contrary, they often feel unlucky every time they don’t reach something. Even though we all know, there is no such thing as pure luck on this earth. Also if there is, it must go hand in hand with the efforts. Victim players often do not realize if they believe in misfortune is the same as blaming the situation.

The most annoying thing about someone who likes victim playing is his ability to make other people feel guilty and uncomfortable. As a result, other people who have been used as ‘perpetrators’ by the victim will feel afraid that someday he will make a mistake again.

Then what should we do? Is there any solution to solve this matters?

When we feel disappointed, we don’t need judgment on who is responsible for the feeling of disappointment. There is no point in judging who is wrong or correct. The problem is, our feeling of disappointment will not subside at all just because we get wrong recognition from others. There is no harm in apologizing first when involved in a problem, no matter who is wrong. By apologizing first, we provoke both parties to joint self-introspection.

There is no such thing as luck in this world, except for the efforts that have been done before. Likewise with misfortune. When we experience bad things, it doesn’t mean we are not lucky anymore.

Blaming others for the problems that afflict us is a characteristic if we are denial with the feelings of disappointment we feel. By hearing wrong acknowledgment, we are sure our feelings will be a little more relieved. The best thing to relieve feelings is to express the feelings themselves. Express that we are disappointed and express stories from our perspective with an open mind. That way we can hear the point of view and explanation of the parties we consider to be ‘wrong.’

After expressing it, think about the best way to minimize the feeling of disappointment other than playing a victim. Either that by asking the parties who are involved in the problem with us not to repeat the matter, explain calmly why we do not like it, or hang out with the party as an effort to bond and reconcile relationships. In addition to minimizing feelings of disappointment, these methods can also prevent us from experiencing the same distress in the future.

If we have friends like this, the main thing we need to do is not to drag on with our guilt. Of course, we still have to apologize when we get into trouble with someone playing the victim, but after that forget it and don’t repeat the same mistake. The second thing that we have to do is express our friends if playing victim makes us feel uncomfortable, especially if we have apologized for the mistakes we have made. Third, if our friend’s problem is burdensome, don’t say yes when he says ‘life isn’t fair!’ Or ask ‘what’s my fault?’. Instead, we help him break down the problem and find the best solution for him.

There is one good article related to ‘victim playing’ at where they highlighted 14 signs that someone is always playing the victim, where it concludes:

  1. They don’t take responsibility
  2. They are frozen in their life
  3. They hold onto grudges
  4. They have trouble being assertive
  5. They feel powerless
  6. They don’t trust others
  7. They don’t know when to say enough is enough
  8. They get into arguments easily
  9. They feel sorry for themselves
  10. They constantly compare themselves to others
  11. They see life as always lacking
  12. They are a critic
  13. They think they are perfect
  14. They cut people out of their life